


Jeeves and Wooster 1/2

by Missy_Pixels



Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse, Ranma 1/2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, cursed ponds, engagements, playing loose with canon timeline, unwanted engagements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 05:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15901905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_Pixels/pseuds/Missy_Pixels
Summary: As if problems arising from a recent vacation touring cursed ponds weren't enough for Bertie, Aunt Agatha has invited him for a visit, and you can be sure her motivations are nothing good.





	Jeeves and Wooster 1/2

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosencrantz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/gifts).



It all started in Scotland. What should have been a nice tour of a rather remote area of the Orkney Islands turned rather rummy when Jeeves and Bertie visited a series of supposedly cursed ponds. Bertie didn't quite follow all of it, but the long of the short seemed to be something about drowned spirits and some peculiar side effects to falling in. Which of course, owing to an ill timed collie chasing a cat through weaving bridge between the ponds, they both did. Bertie into one pond, and Jeeves into another.

Which is how Bertie suddenly found himself in his aunt's parlor room, looking decidedly more feminine than usual, in a stately evening dress and pinned red hair, while his, or perhaps that should read _her_ aunt Agatha held her chin a vice grip. 

"You say you're Bertie's cousin?" she asked peering close enough to her face to make out every individual pore.

"On his mother's side," she repeated what she'd told Aunt Agatha in male form only a half hour ago. "The youngest daughter of her youngest brother. Of course my father and Bertie's late mother had been estranged for years before her death, but with my father's recent passing--"

"Yes, yes, I've heard all this already," said Aunt Agatha, without so much as a 'sorry for your loss'. "Bertie said it all when he was explaining why I'd never heard of you before."

"If I may, your lady-ship, I have noticed a rather striking resemblance between Miss Mannering-Phipps and Mrs Schoffield," offered Jeeves from his usual spot just far enough into the shadows of the wall to avoid notice by all but the most determined valet spotters.

"She does look quite a bit like Bertram's sister," Aunt Agatha agreed turning Bertie’s head to one side. "Not as pretty. And with such unfortunate red hair. But you're right, the familial resemblance is rather uncanny."

Bertie breathed a sigh of relief, even if she bristled somewhat at the comments. Inspection passed.

It had been the type of intricate and seamless plan Jeeves was known for thinking up on a moment's notice when it was necessary. They had sent a telegram ahead to let Aunt Agatha know Bertie was travelling with family, and with a bit of sneaking around from room to room, had pulled the whole thing off rather well. The backstory and name, Loretta Mannering-Phipps, had been thought up on the drive over. Loretta being the name of one of the character's in the whodunnit book Bertie was currently absorbed in.

"Right ho, then!" said Bertie getting up to go. More than ready for a hot bath and put this whole nonsense behind her for the time being. "You won't even know I'm here."

Agatha sniffed, as Bertie rushed off. "Rather disappointing of my nephew to leave you to make introductions all on your own," she pointed out.

Already halfway up the stairs Bertie flinched.

 

*

 

"That's the trouble with the British Isles," Bertie groused as he tried to fix his tie that morning, "too many cursed ponds. Either they're trying to hand you swords or they're turning you into girls."

"It is rather inconvenient, sir," agreed Jeeves. He reached over and in a couple of neat tweaks set Bertie's tie perfectly.

Bertie looked chuffed as he turned back into the mirror to admire the effects.

"This whole ruse seems like quite a bit of work, you know," Bertie pointed out. "Are you sure it's all necessary?"

"It has been my experience over the past few months since our trip to the Orkneys that cold water is too random a contingency to predict, sir. On the off-chance you do get doused, it will save us quite a lot of trouble rather than having to explain where a young woman who looks so exactly like you appeared from.”

"And I suppose it must be kept a secret, then?"

"It has been my experience that people do not react favourably to things they do not understand, or believe possible, sir," said Jeeves. 

"Yes, yes, of course you're quite right Jeeves," said Bertie looking back into the mirror with a sigh. Things never were simple. He went to re-adjust his tie again but Jeeves placed his hand on Bertie's arm to stop him.

"If it makes a difference, I am equally secretive about my own affliction," said Jeeves.

"Awkward for the both of us, I suppose," agreed Bertie. "It’s the complicated nature of it all that has me feeling rummy. One too many things to be worrying about at all times. And what do we say when Lori decides not to come down for breakfast?"

"I have already informed the house that Miss Mannering-Phipps is feeling under the weather and is not to be disturbed," Jeeves reported. 

"Poor girl's going to get a reputation for being a recluse at this rate."

"That is my hope, Sir."

 

*

 

"Bertram, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here to visit," said Aunt Agatha later that day after summoning Bertie to her drawing room.

Bertie was not. "Right, ho," he agreed anyways. 

"Yes, well," Aunt Agatha sniffed. "You're getting older, Bertram. Nearly 30 now. Far too old to be gallivanting around, wasting your time and money on meaningless frivolities."

Bertie straightened up, uneasy about where this seemed to be going. 

"It's time you settled down, stayed in one place for a while," said Aunt Agatha. 

"Oh rather," Bertie agreed, happy for something they had in common which he hoped would appease her. "I think I've had enough traipsing around the countryside for a lifetime, quite honestly."

Aunt Agatha beamed. "Excellent, then we're all in agreement," she said.

"Yes, yes...er, what's agreed upon exactly?" asked Bertie cautiously. 

"Why you're engagement to Honoria Glossop," said Aunt Agatha as though this had been obvious. "She's already agreed, and frankly I'm quite relieved. She's exactly the girl to reign you in properly."

"E...enga..." Bertie couldn't quite spit out the dreaded E word. 

Aunt Agatha stood up. "Now that's all settled I shall send a telegram to inform Honoria." She walked away leaving Bertie sputtering. 

 

*

 

Back in his room upstairs, Bertie had already begun to wear down the carpet with incessant pacing while Jeeves watched passively. 

"Sir, I believe I may have a solution," said Jeeves.

Bertie stopped walking immediately, and his entire face brightened. "Of course!" he said. "I never should have doubted that massive brain of yours. Getting lots of fish for dinner lately, dare I say? What have you got for me, Jeeves?"

"It just so happened while I was in the market this morning, I got into a small conversation with Peters, the Glossops butler. He informed me that Miss Glossop has another suitor, an angry gentleman by the name of Blair Eggleston." 

Bertie frowned. "Why is that name familiar to me, Jeeves?"

"Mr Eggleston is a novelist of some renown," said Jeeves. "It's quite likely you came across his name in the review section of the morning paper."

"Indeed," Bertie agreed. "So you're saying this Eggleston chap has it in for Honoria? So what happened? Why did she agree to marry me then?"

"It was Peters' belief that Miss Glossop simply grew tired of waiting for Mr Eggleston to propose."

"A bad case of cold feet, then?"

"Precisely, sir," said Jeeves.

"Alright then," said Bertie leaning back and crossing his arms. "So the question is, how do we get this Eggleston to propose? Especially now she's gone and gotten herself engaged to another chappy?"

"I've been informed there is a cafe in town Mr Eggleston is known to frequent quite often. Perhaps if you were to take Miss Glossop there, Mr Eggleston may see you and it may provoke him to take action."

"Of course!" said Bertie. "Make him jealous. Simple and direct. I can't see how it can go wrong. Send a telegram to Honoria right away. We'll nip this entire thing in the bud."

"Indeed, sir."

*

Bertie was in an optimistic mood as he walked into town the next day to meet Honoria. Jeeves plan was simple and solid. And the sooner he sorted out this whole engagement business, the sooner they could both biff off from the messiness of the countryside and back to the nice peaceful life of London.

He was feeling that optimism right up until he sauntered past the duck pond, and a couple of children on bicycles, with absolutely no regard for anyone else on the path drove past much too closely, knocking Bertie head first into said pond.

20 minutes later, Bertie was gasping and soaked, but back on dry land. She was just debating if she should head back to Bumpleigh Hall and be late or maybe hit herself with a cup of tea at the cafe when she heard a voice behind her. 

"What ho, Bertie!" yelled Honoria. "What happened to you?"

Bertie turned around to see a look of horror on Honoria's face.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am," said Honoria covering her mouth and laughing in her usual freight train way. "I thought you were my fiancé. You look remarkably like him."

Bertie flinched at the F-word. 

"I was supposed to meet him around here but he's late so I went to go find him. Stood up, I suppose." She smiled at Bertie. "I'm Honoria. Too bad about falling into the pond, because I love your look otherwise. Very Katharine Hepburn. Miss, I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name."

"B--Lori," said Bertie. "I'm staying the Bumpleigh Hall. In fact I was about to go back and change."

"You can't walk all that way in soaking clothes, you'll catch your death of cold." She grabbed Bertie's arm firmly. "Come on, it's my sisterly duty to help another girl in need. I know a wonderful seamstress around the corner. She'll have a dress ready for you in a couple of hours."

Honoria didn't wait for an answer before dragging Bertie down the road.

 

Bertie's underwear, just like Bertie's suit was too large for her, and both Honoria and the seamstress clucked disapprovingly as they disrobed her and found better suited garments. 

"Women's clothing is too restrictive," said Bertie desperate for an excuse. "You can move so much better in men's clothes."

It wasn't a lie, the uncomfortable clothing so far had been Bertie’s least favourite part of being female.

"You've been wearing all the wrong clothing, Lori," said Honoria. "Madam Dubois is an absolute genius when it comes to creating attractive and practical dresses. She makes all of mine and I horseback ride, play sports--I can even swim in them if I have to."

"I can take in your menz clothing az well," said Madam Dubois as she took Bertie's measurements. "Make them fit proper onse dey 'ave dried."

After she set Bertie up in the corner of her shop on a nice chair with a large warm blanket and a nice cup of tea while she got to work on her new clothes. 

"You seem remarkably unbothered by Bertie standing you up," said Bertie after a bit of getting to know each other chatter. "I'd just dump him straight off. Maybe find a chap who cares more about you. Maybe a writer type, I hear good things about them."

Honoria laughed as she sipped her tea. "Don't worry, he'll hear about it when I see him," she said ominously. "But it's hardly a surprise. Men like Bertie need to be taken by the hand and taken care of. He just needs a bit of training, that’s all."

Bertie felt a cold chill run down her spine. "Quite," she said nervously. 

Bertie glanced around the room and wondered how Jeeves would feel about the seamstress altering her suit when something caught her eye across the room. 

"Well this is quite fetching," she said getting up and picking up a scarf with a leopard print on it. "How much?"

 

*

Honoria had been right--about the dress at least--Bertie thought as she made her way back to the Bumpleigh Hall. She didn't find her movements to be restrictive at all, and of course she couldn't complain about her knew scarf, now currently wrapped lovingly around her neck.

She was looking forward to showing it off to Jeeves when someone collided into her from the side. 

At least there were no ponds nearby to fall into, she thought angrily. "I beg your pardon," she said getting up and dusting herself up. And she meant it to sting.

"I'm so sorry, here, please let me help you," said her assailant reaching over to help brush some of the dirt off her new dress. But Bertie stepped back. 

She looked over her assailant but didn't recognize him. Her assailant's eyes went wide. "I really am very sorry, ma'am," he repeated. And then he blushed. Actual red splotches the colour of ripe tomatoes appeared all over his cheeks and neck. "I'm Blair Eggleston."

Now it was Bertie's turn for wide eyes. "The Blair Eggleston?" She could practically feel the soup rising around her. In a moment she would be drowning in it.

Blair beamed. "Have you read my books?"

"No," said Bertie and Blair's face faltered. "I really must be going."

"Wait, when will I see you again?" asked Blair. 

Bertie didn't answer as she rushed off.

 

*

Bertie reached Bumpleigh Hall thinking things possibly couldn't get any worse and was surprised to find workman rushing in and out of the manor and loud hammering coming from every which way. 

"Spenser, what's going on?" asked Bertie as she walked in.

"There appears to be an issue with the pipes, Miss" he told her evenly. "Apologies but there likely will not be any hot water for a few days."

 

*

The next morning was a glum one for Bertie as she dressed for the morning with everything yesterday having gone as badly as it could, and not even a hot bath to comfort herself. 

"Suppose anyone will wonder why I haven't come down to breakfast?" she asked Jeeves adjusting the scarf around her neck. Though one silver lining she noticed was that she was finally starting to get the hang of women's clothing. Though she loathed to admit it, Honoria's advice yesterday on making them less restrictive was rather helpful. 

"I have informed the house that you've been feeling ill, ma'am, and left instructions not to disturb you," explained Jeeves.

"Ah, caught whatever poor Lori had, did I?" 

"Indeed, ma'am," said Jeeves. 

"Yes, well," Bertie turned back to her mirror, she thought she was finally looking presentable. "There's still the matter of this Honoria Glossop business. We Woosters don't falter in the face of adversity however. We rise up and take danger by the horns. Jeeves, I have a plan."

Jeeves eyebrows furrowed just a quarter of an inch. So quickly, someone less acquainted with him might have missed Jeeves' look of concern. 

"Relax, the plan is simple," said Bertie. "I'd even go so far as to call it foolproof."

The look of concern on Jeeves' face did not ease. "May I ask exactly what does this plan entail, ma'am?"

"I plan to return to Steeple Bumpleigh, and find that cafe where Blair likes to write and explain to him he's barking up the wrong tree looking at yours truly the way he was when there's a perfectly good girl who's absolutely gaga over him."

"Is Miss Glossop "gaga" over Mr Eggleston?" asked Jeeves. 

"It doesn't matter, Jeeves" Bertie waived her arm dismissively. "So long as this Blair fellow thinks she's gaga over him it will boost his confidence, he'll tell her how he feels, she'll break the engagement, and all will once again be righted in the universe."

"I do follow the logic, but if I may--"

"I rather don't think this is time for one of your convoluted plans, Jeeves," said Bertie. "No I think we need to just nip this whole thing in the bud right away. Keep it simple."

"Of course ma'am," said Jeeves. Then, "One other thing, ma'am."

"Yes?"

"That scarf," Jeeves looked pained.

"Oh no," said Bertie. "This scarf is not your usual item of clothing you can just snatch away, Jeeves.It is the first thing I bought for myself in this form, and it means something to me for all that."

"I appreciate the sentiment ma'am, but with that blue dress?"

Bertie sniffed. "I think it looks rather fetching."

 

*

Finding Blair turned out to be easier than Bertie expected. She had barely made it to Steeple Bumpleigh when he seemed appear seemingly out of nowhere, like a vampire rising from the shadows after its prey. 

"Mr Eggleston, I was hoping to run into you," said Bertie. 

Blair looked like Bertie had just handed him the moon. "Please, call me Blair," he said. 

"Right," said Bertie.

Blair looked back at Bertie expectantly. When Bertie didn't say anything he said, "Can a creature as beautiful as yourself even have a name? It almost seems too far in the mundane."

"Oh," said Bertie catching on. "Ber--Lori. Lori Mannering-Phipps." 

She side eyed Blair. She'd never been spoken to like that but she was pretty sure she didn't like it.

"Lori," Blair repeated with much more reverence than it deserved. "The name of an angel."

Bertie frowned. She'd liked the name when she spotted it in her novel, but she didn't think she'd go nearly that far. "Listen, there's an important matter which I need to speak to you about," she said, annoyed they were getting so far of topic.

"Of course, of course," said Blair. "Perhaps a walk by the duck pond?" He glanced back. "Normally I'd be fine with staying here, but I swear there's this cat that's been staring at me all day."

Bertie followed Blair's gaze to a rather prim looking tuxedo cat sitting on a nearby brick wall.

Still she hesitated just a moment before taking Blair's arm. But she supposed even if fate had her fall in there again, at least she would keep the body she's currently in. 

"Listen, it's about a friend of mine," said Bertie.

"A friend?" asked Blair, with an odd smirk that Bertie didn't like one bit. 

"Yes, quite," said Bertie impatiently. "Well this friend of mine has developed rather a fond affection towards you if you will."

"Oh really?" asked Blair, and Bertie thought there was a rather smug tone to it.

"She's quite taken with you."

Blair grinned. "I bet she is."

"And things are actually just a little muddy at the mo. But I honestly feel if you could just tell his girl how you feel--"

"I'll do it," said Blair so suddenly Bertie startled. "Lori," he said turning towards her and taking her hand. "I know we haven't know each other very long, but I feel there's something particularly special about us."

"Wait, what?" asked Bertie.

"Lori, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"Wait, what?" Bertie repeated, though this time in a slighter higher voice. 

Blair looked confused. Apparently a squeaky surprise wasn't the reaction he'd expected.

"That friend business...?" he asked.

"I was talking about Honoria Glossop," said Bertie. 

The expression fell off Blair's face. At least Bertie didn't think there was any other way to describe it. She briefly felt sorry for him. Though not sorry enough to marry him.

"Isn't Honoria engaged to some fellow named Wooster?" 

"Oh yes, but it's not that serious a thing," said Bertie. 

Blair frowned, confused. 

"Anyways," continued Bertie, "I'm sure if you were to just tell her you feel the same way about her it will clear this whole thing up."

"But I don't feel the same way about her," said Blair looking mooningly at Bertie. "Not anymore."

"Oh no," said Bertie taking a step back. "I'm really not the girl for you."

"Oh but you are," said Blair, taking a step towards her. "You're everything I've ever dreamed."

"I'm sure if you knew more about me you wouldn't be saying that," said Bertie. "I'm really not what you think I am."

"It doesn't matter," said Blair. "There's nothing I could learn about you that I wouldn't love."

"I'm very strong willed," Bertie tried again. "Ironclad if you will. Hardly the type of personality suited to marital bliss."

"I love a strong woman," said Blair. "It's the first thing I noticed about you."

"Oh, well," Bertie took another uncomfortable step back. Well aware she seemed to be losing this particular argument. Luckily she was saved last minute by the bell. Or in this particular case a sudden very loud yowl from a nearby cat. 

Bertie's eyes went wide, "Oh, I--Well it was nice meeting you Blair." She rushed off. "Think about what I said, will you?"

 

*

 

When she finally found Jeeves again he was looking a little ruffled, but rather whole and unharmed back in her room at Bumpleigh Hall. 

"Well I'm glad you're OK," said Bertie looking down at the same prim tuxedo cat from earlier. "Though it's what you get for spying on people. Of course there's dogs roaming the town."

Jeeves didn't react, rather he stayed where he was in the window and kept grooming himself.

He looked indignantly at Bertie. Particularly at her neck.

"Oh come off it," said Bertie. "The scarf is staying and that's final, Jeeves." An idea occurred to her. "Tell you what, Jeeves." She smiled an evil smile. "I'll turn you back on the condition you let me keep the scarf."

The cat visibly recoiled at these words and when Bertie tried to toss the water on him he dodged.

"Oh dash it,you’re not seriously going to stay like that," said Bertie. "Things have gone from bad to worse and we need to figure this out."

She tried again to hit him with the hot water but this time Jeeves leaped out the window and rushed off to who-knows-where.

"Fine!" Bertie yelled out the window. "But you'll be sorry when I'm married to both Honoria Glossop and Blair Eggleston and they both make me get rid of you!"

And she meant it to sting.

Bertie was still fuming staring out the window when a knock at the door startled her. 

Spenser looked momentarily surprised to see her answer the door, but quickly schooled his expression. "Is Mr Wooster in?" 

"Uh...no not at the moment," said Bertie. "But if you'd like you can tell me why you're looking for him and I'll pass it on, what?"

Spenser looked positively scandalised. "That won't be necessary, ma'am." And left.

 

*

Bertie was on her way back to the kitchens for more hot water when she heard a familiar shrill voice. "Miss Mannering-Phipps."

Bertie turned around to find herself face-to-face with Aunt Agatha. 

"Au--Your ladyship," said Bertie. "What, ho!"

"What were you doing in Bertram's room?" She had a particularly suspicious look on her face which made Bertie squirm.

"Oh that," said Bertie, "there's a perfectly innocent explanation, I assure you. In fact, I was looking for Jeeves." 

At least it had the advantage of being true, Bertie thought as Aunt Agatha gave her the once over. Her conviction must have shone through because Aunt Agatha's stern look softened just the tiniest of a pinch. 

"Yes, Jeeves appears to be more absent than usual," she said. "I'll tell Spenser you're looking for him."

She started to walk down the hall than stopped, glancing back at Bertie. "A word of advice, be careful of that valet. He's sneaky, that one."

 

*

"There you are!" cried Bertie rounding the corner of Bumpleigh Hall's estate and finding a very well postured Tuxedo cat sitting atop a brick fence. "I've been looking all afternoon for you."

That wasn't entirely true, first Bertie had spent a good portion of his afternoon securing hot water and getting himself out of a very overcomplicated dress and back into men's clothes without help. But mostly it was true.

The cat sat indifferent. 

Bertie crossed his arms annoyed. "This is serious," he said. "We need to figure out what to do about--"

"What ho! Bertie!" Came a jovial voice behind him. 

"Honoria," Bertie turned around. 

"I've been looking for you," she said. "Is that tuxedo cat everyone's been seeing around yours?"

"I suppose in a manner of speaking."

"Well that just won't do," said Honoria.

"What won't do?"

"Cats," said Honoria primly. "My father hates them. Maybe we can have a few in the stables for mice and such if it's that important to you, but..."

"Stables?" asked Bertie.

"Oh yes, for the horses," said Honoria like that should be obvious. "Though the Irish Setters might still be a problem, we'd have to train them to leave any cats alone."

"Irish setters?"

"Yes, we'd need at least 3 I think," said Honoria. 

"What for?"

"Why hunting of course. Do try and keep up Bertie," said Honoria impatiently. "And of course guarding the country estate."

"What country estate?"

"Why ours of course," said Honoria, she looked at Bertie as if she was wondering if he'd heard a single word she'd said. "It's what I've been meaning to talk to you about. There's a wonderful property for sale, less than a mile from both my father and your Aunt Agatha. I think it will be perfect for us."

"We can live beside Aunt Agatha," Bertie repeated weakly. 

"Oh Bertie it will be wonderful, I'm so glad you agreed to all this. I honestly can't wait." And then she leaned forward and kissed Bertie's cheek. "I'll let you know when we can go look at the estate. Until then, darling."

Bertie leaned weakly against the brick fence. Country estates beside Aunt Agatha was just a bit too much even for him. "What are we going to do, Jeeves?" he asked.

But Jeeves just hopped off the wall and wandered off.

 

*

Bertie walked weakly inside where he was stopped by Spenser.

"Master Wooster, there's a telegram for you."

Bertie look the note and looked it over. 

Bertie Wooster  
Bumpleigh Manor  
Steeple Bumpleigh  
Hampshire 

Have put together you have stolen the love of my life. Am prepared to fight for her. I hereby challenge you to a duel for the hand of Miss Lori Mannering-Phipps. Please meet me at the duck pond at Steeple Bumpleigh tomorrow at noon.

Best Regards,

Blair Eggleston.

 

*

"Confond it Jeeves," Bertie called from the window of his room. "This has gotten too serious for games."

Bertie was answered by silence. And no indication whatsoever Jeeves was even out there.

"Fine, you win," called Bertie. "If you come back and help me, I will let you destroy the leopard print scarf."

As if out of nowhere, Jeeves suddenly jumped up into Bertie's window. And then shimmered effortlessly into the centre of the room and sat patiently for Bertie to get some hot water for him.

"Much appreciated, sir," said Jeeves pulling out a somewhat damp handkerchief from his front pocket and dabbing the water off his forehead once Bertie had returned from the kitchen. "It has proven to be rather difficult to procure hot water when one is a cat."

Bertie eyed him suspiciously. 

"Apologies for dodging your tea cup of water earlier as well, sir," Jeeves continued. "It was necessary to continue gathering information. I might have been back sooner, but one of Lady Worplesdon's neighbours has a rather large Irish Setter which has been roaming the grounds."

"And what did you find?" asked Bertie. 

"It has come to Mr Eggleston's attention that as far as everyone is aware, Lori arrived at Bumpleigh Manor with you," said Jeeves. "He believes Lori is holding a torch for yours truly and is trying to get Mr Eggleston to break the engagement between you and Miss Glossop so as to make you available again."

"Well I could have told you that,"said Bertie passing the telegram he'd just received to Jeeves.

"Oh dear," said Jeeves reading it over. "I was afraid something like this might happen. Mr Eggleston is rather known for being hot headed."

"Lori doesn't even exist," Bertie felt a strong need to point out the absurdity of it all. "I made her up. She's named after a character in a novel."

"The situation is rather surreal," Jeeves agreed.

"Who challenges people to duels anymore?" asked Bertie. "Is that even legal?"

"While technically not legal, British courts have a precedence of not prosecuting duelists if the customary rules are observed," Jeeves supplied.

"What do I do?" asked Bertie starting to pace the room. "If I decline I go against my familial code, the very core of who I am."

"I suggest you go, sir," said Jeeves.

"You can't be serious."

"I'm quite serious."

"You think I should just go and accept Blair's challenge and let the chips all fall where they may?" asked Bertie.

"Yes, sir."

"Well I'm blown, Jeeves," said Bertie. "Absolutely blown."

"Sir?"

"I wonder if you haven't been getting your regular fish," said Bertie. "This plan is a dismal one for anyone, I would not have expected it from you."

"I apologize if my plan of action isn't up to your standards, sir," said Jeeves. 

"It's quite alright, Jeeves," said Bertie. "We all have off days. However I am going to have to override you and go with my own plan of action."

Jeeves looked shocked. Something Bertie recognized by the microscopic raise of his eyebrows. "You have a plan?"

"I do, Jeeves. And it's not a pleasant one but appears to be the only other path available to me," said Bertie. "I must change myself back to Lori and go tell Blair he's wrong about the whole thing."

"Sir, I don't recommend this," said Jeeves. "Mr Eggleston might get the wrong idea."

Bertie looked back at Jeeves dumbfounded. And wondered when his valet's sense if priority had gotten so confused.

"I'm sorry Jeeves but my mind's made up. Now I'm going to need a glass of cold water and a dress."

 

*

 

Blair turned out to be at his usual haunt at the cafe. 

Blair beamed at the sight of her. He stood up, "Lori, my--"

"You have to call of this duel," said Bertie.

Blair looked confused for a moment. "Oh, you heard about that already, did you?"

"You've got entirely the wrong idea," said Bertie.

"And what is the right idea?"

Bertie started then stopped again. Finally she managed, "Well I'm certainly not in love with mys--with Bertie."

Blair gave a dry smirk. Bertie didn't like it, it was entirely too smug. 

"Why do you want to break up Bertie and Honoria then?"

"My intention wasn't to break up Bertie and Honoria," lied Bertie. "I'm simply trying to stop a friend from making a mistake she will regret."

"I talked to Honoria's cousin, Heloise, this morning. She told me her upcoming wedding to Bertie was all she'd talk about."

"Denial," said Bertie. "Inside her heart is breaking."

"I'm sure," said Blair skeptically.

Bertie frowned, this didn't seem to be working.

"See I think you have feelings for this Bertie," said Blaire confidently. "And that's why you're here now to try and save him."

"That's preposterous."

"So you won't be bothered then if I win the duel tomorrow?"

"What if you lose?" asked Bertie. "You could get yourself killed doing something stupid like this." 

"Then I lose for love," said Blair soupily. 

"What if..." Bertie searched for another tactic. Something that would prove she wasn't in love with herself. "What if I agreed to your proposal? Then you wouldn't' have any reason to challenge Bertie."

It was a risk, Bertie realised. But better to survive today and figure her way out of an engagement tomorrow. Besides, Jeeves would have a plan.

Blair looked at Bertie with very saucer-like eyes. "It only convinces me more. That you would give up yourself to save him. But worry not, my dear, for I will go and prove myself the better man and earn your love properly."

Bertie stood dumbfounded. She was fairly certain that just wasn't how these things worked.

And then Blair left and Bertie felt an impending feeling of certain doom.

 

*

Bertie walked towards the duck pond at noon with a distinct feeling of dread but a stiff upper lip and determination not show any weakness. 

Still his options seemed rather limited. Either he was destined to meet his doom here, at this foul duck pond or get married, and frankly both options seemed rather equally grim. It didn't help either that Bertie considered, for the first time since he'd entered his employ, that Jeeves had completely failed him. Only repeating his advice from yesterday to just go and get the entire thing over with when Bertie had asked him if he'd cooked up a new plan or not.

Blair was there already, looking annoying like an illustration in an exciting novel. Standing tall and ready.

"You know this is absolutely ridiculous," said Bertie as he sauntered over. "You've got the entire wrong idea about Lori."

"So you're Bertie," said Blair giving him a once over. "You're shorter than I expected."

Bertie straightened.

"Skinnier too," said Blair. "Though that oversized suit of yours may prove useful to you."

"I say," said Bertie, rather put off. 

Blair seemed indifferent. "Choose your weapon," he said opening a box with two pistols inside. 

This stopped Bertie cold. He'd read a lot of exciting novels featuring pistols, but until this moment he'd never seen one in real life. Once again Bertie was hit by the surrealness of the situation. 

"Now look, here Blair, this whole thing is ridiculous," he said. "Now I propose we stop this nonsense at once and forget it ever happened."

"You're afraid," said Blair. 

"I am not," lied Bertie, "I'm--"

Bertie stopped talking and raised his head. "Did you hear that?"

"You're stalling," said Blair, and he was starting to sound a bit irritable.

"No, I'm--" Bertie turned his head. "There it is again."

And it was distinct now, definitely there was a dog barking, a rather large one it sounded like. But that was not the original sound Bertie heard, in fact, he thought as he listened and he heard it again--the sound of a cat screaming. And one more distinct sound of a woman who sounded quite a lot like Honoria yelling, "Stop that Heloise! Get back here!"

And suddenly Bertie couldn't just here them, he could see them as well as they rounded the hill: the rather fluffed out tuxedo cat in front with a very large and very angry Irish setter hot on his tail, and a very very angry Honoria Glossop trying to stop the whole thing. 

It all happened very fast, the cat leaped into Bertie's arms, and the dog rushed at them both, knocking both Bertie and Blair head first into the very cold, very deceptively deep duck pond.

Bertie, quickly turned her face away, in case anyone noticed she'd changed and she heard Blair start yelling, "Help help! I can't swim!"

There was another splash and then a few more and quite a bit of yelling. And finally Bertie's curiosity got the better of her and she realised she'd need not have worried at all of being noticed.

Honoria had Blair pretty much out of the water by that point, her rather energetic Irish Setter bouncing around between them, and both looking at each other the soupiest eyes Bertie had ever seen before.

Quietly Bertie clutched Jeeves to her shoulder and made her own way out of the pond and quietly back to Bumpleigh Hall. Things seemingly much more right with the world than they'd been a mere few minutes ago.

 

*

Bertie was trying to slink quietly back through the Bumpleigh Hall corridors to her rooms where both her and Jeeves could dry off when a familiar voice behind her said, "Miss Mannering-Phipps, may I have a word?"

"Au--Your ladyship," said Bertie. "What ho!"

Aunt Agatha's gaze roamed distinctly from Bertie, to Jeeves, to her rather wet clothes, to the distinctive water trail she'd left between where she was currently standing and the front entrance. She let out a rather heavy sigh.

"I believe I've figured you out," said Aunt Agatha.

Bertie couldn't help a rather panicked swallow. "F--figured me out?"

"It's all quite obvious, I should have seen it sooner," she continued. "The rather masculine choice of dress and manner. The lack of any feminine poise which should have been instilled in you from a young age. The way you do disappear all the time."

Bertie was pretty sure she briefly felt her soul become unattached from her body. Of all the people to figure it out.

"Now I've been thinking about it," Aunt Agatha continued, "And I would like you to know, I don't blame you."

"You don't?" Bertie couldn't believe her ears.

"I don't," Aunt Agatha confirmed. "In fact, I think it's all rather tragic. But of course completely outside one's control."

"You do?"

"I do," agreed Aunt Agatha, "This will probably surprise you, but I see this type of thing rather often."

"Oh rather," said Bertie surprised. At this point it was only the thought of dropping Jeeves that was keeping her upright.

"Really the only person at fault is your late father."

Here Bertie lost the thread. "Wait, my father?"

"Now don't take it too hard," said Aunt Agatha. "I'm sure he was a very kind and loving father, but many single fathers make this mistake?"

"They do?" asked Bertie now thoroughly confused. Her father had died a few years prior to her mother.

"They dote considerably on their young daughters, and spoil them quite a bit, and at no point do they ever get around to teaching them how to be a proper lady."

Bertie's eyes went wide as she suddenly figured out what was going on. "You think--my father--well."

"Have I erred in my assessment?" asked Aunt Agatha suddenly looking questioning.

"Oh no," said Bertie quickly. "I rather thing you've hit the proverbial nail on the head as it were. Dashed difficult figuring these things out with an upbringing like mine, what?"

"Yes, well," said Aunt Agatha returning to her proper stern self. "I want you to know that while I am understanding, there are certain standards in this house I expect to see met. But if you are willing to learn, I think the two of us may come to get along quite well."

Bertie was blowed, well and truly blowed. She was used to Aunt Agatha being a domineering figure in her life, but there was a softness to her manner here she'd never glimpsed before. Something almost maternal to it.

"Oh rather," she agreed. 

"Now to be clear, while I am understanding, I do have my limits," she said. "I do expect this to be the last time I see you trouncing through these halls soaking wet."

Bertie nodded vigorously. 

"And is that your cat?" she asked eyeing Jeeves over her pince-nez.

"Oh yes, quite," said Bertie. 

Aunt Agatha pursed her lips. "I did wonder where it had come from. I also expect to be informed in the future when you are bringing an animal into my home," she said. 

"Oh most definitely," agreed Bertie. "You shall be well informed for any future visits."

Aunt Agatha nodded, looking finally satisfied. "Well he does seem quite tame at least. You're dismissed."

Bertie nodded and turned to leave with a feeling of extreme relief.

"By the way," added Aunt Agatha before Bertie could escape, "the pipes have been fixed. I strongly suggested a hot bath before you catch your death of cold."

 

*

"You know Jeeves, I'd say these past few months have been rather enlightening," said Bertie as he fixed his tie in front of the mirror. "There's a whole side of people you never see when you only exist as a male."

"Indeed sir," Jeeves agreed coming over to untie and re-tie it properly. "I must admit existing a housecat has its own insights I never would have considered otherwise."

"So what news on the wedding front then?" asked Bertie. 

"Two telegrams arrived this morning, sir," said Jeeves. "Apparently both Miss Glossop and Mr Eggleston would like your permission to break each respective engagement. It appears both have connected rather strongly lately."

"Yes, write back immediately, Jeeves," said Bertie. "Before either has a chance to change their minds."

"Indeed, sir," said Jeeves. 

"And well," Bertie hesitated just a moment, but he knew it must be done, "I am a man of my word, Jeeves." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a yellow leopard skin scarf. "Please just...don't let me know when you destroy it."

Jeeves took the scarf and looked down. Bertie thought he could see the beginning of tears well in his eyes. "Thank you, sir," said Jeeves taking the scarf away. "I will do it most discreetly."

Bertie looked away. Best to let it go. Stiff upper lip and all that. "I think perhaps too it might be a good time to get away for awhile. Let things settle down a while," he suggested, looking back in the mirror.

"I couldn't agree more, sir. Might I suggest a trip to the hot springs of Terme de Saturnalia in Tuscany Italy."

"Jeeves that sounds absolutely perfect."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a birthday present for Rosencrantz. My own fault for saying to him that the Jeeves books reminded me of a harem anime, to be honest. Happy birthday!


End file.
